Military personnel, I truly love you. I'm patriotic; soldiers and sailors are the foundation of a brave and selfless tradition of service to our country.
Yet, I have a bone to pick with you. After observing your years of devoted service, it has come to my attention that some of you are falling down on the job. Perhaps, literally. And that really ticks me off when your job is NUCLEAR LAUNCH CONTROL OFFICER.
Oh, yeah – you heard that one right. In the February 3, 2014, issue of TIME magazine, writer Mark Thompson dropped a literary bomb on my patriotic vibe when he wrote Bad News from the Bunkers. The honor code of our military is alarmingly eroded. Thompson’s story has it all: nuclear launch control officers cheating on proficiency tests, poor morale, drug scandals and even a two star commander who “engaged in drunken antics” on a visit to Moscow.
Uh, go back to that nuclear thing...that seems important. I don’t have current statistical data, but I think all people who were ever involved in anything that even remotely involved nuclear bomb detonation are strangely in agreement on the subject of detonating a nuclear bomb. They think it is bad – really, bad! It's so bad that I'm almost sure that the CIA or NSA is putting my name on a file for saying the words "nuclear detonation."
I agree; which is why I am appealing to the staff on duty right now (though I speculate there is something on one or more of your control panels that you should be watching instead of the Internet, right?). This is the land of the free and the home of the brave; but more importantly, America is where I keep all my stuff. I've taken half a century to compile this mess. And my stuff is paid for, it would be a lot of trouble to replace, plus I may be radioactive at the time. I'd hope that my scrapbooking supplies would still be in one piece when I finally put all my pictures in some sort of order. My dog really likes our couch, and we do, too - especially since it's leather and no longer smells like the dog. I've almost got enough Fiesta collected to use it for the big holidays. You can see why I have a vested interest in you, the person in charge of the nuclear bomb.
If you cheated on your proficiency test, make sure the answers are still written on your forearm when you are on duty. If you're drinking, remember that friends don't let friend drink and detonate.
I'm not trying to be condescending; I think you're da bomb.