Monday, February 17, 2014

Make Up Lies

Suspecting that my makeup was past its prime, I went in search of new everything. Most of my stuff should be carbon dated to determine its true age, but who wants to rely on science?  Time to pitch it.

This is where it gets tough for me: the makeup aisle. Basically, I have a good idea of what I will actually use and you'd might think that experience plus rational thought would be enough to fuel this task. Yet, I can be swayed by the claims of the giants of aethetics into believing some of their products have merit and might actually work better than what I've used in the past.

Conveniently, I'm not a makeup junkie, so I know I'm not going home with the whole kit and caboodle.  My face is too round for caboodle. The few items I rely on at this point of my life are far less than I would have used at age twenty. A fleeting thought occurs: Shouldn't I be using MORE now, instead of less - and does spackle have a makeup line?

Overwhelming quantities of product make my head spin.  Add to that, the whizzing of my internal neural calculator.  Why does this name brand compressed powder - that I purchased for under $10 dollars (and was perfectly pleased with the result) a few years back now cost $19.99?  Add blush - another $17.99?  I double checked to make sure I was in a drug store...yep, sure am.

Listen, if I am going to pay that much, I might as well go to a department store and get the goods from the big dogs of makeup. Off I go to the land of the snobbier makeup. Pretty gleaming glass counters and helpful customer service reps stretch out before me.  Well, I guess the reps weren't stretched out much, come to think of it.  Those reps only have my best interest at heart;  they do this makeup job because they care. They're givers. Turns out, I was soon a giver, too, but I won't say the amount because someday - if I click my red sequined shoes together - my husband might read this.

Deciding to go with a starter kit from a new-to-me makeup company was the easiest on my wallet and I got a few things I really needed and a few that I wouldn't usually buy. The kit included the obligatory compressed powder foundation, blush, eyeliner (uh, you have to take glasses off to use it...maybe not), a great neutral lipstick and contour/highlighting powder.

Contour powder?  Is this the next big thing for me?  As I said before, I have a totally round head. Think "The Great Pumpkin," only with bifocals.  My makeup-loving-mentor-gal-pal gave me this simple advice:  Shade the side of your face and the hollows of your cheeks; it will make your face look slimmer.  Gal-pal's new nickname is Cray-cray.

The "simple" instructions are always the ones that get me in trouble.  Mentally, I had the technique of Raphael as I shaded and contoured, but I soon realized that a mixture of toilet bowl cleaner (multi-tasker...), glass cleaner and air freshener must been causing major hallucinations.

Pausing to check my progress, I froze.  I looked ridiculous, and clearly I was going for stunning. Denied.

Any snarky friend o' mine, worth their salt, is going to ask why I am only washing the center of my face nowadays. This is the dumbest thing I ever put on my face, and that's saying a lot.

To make sure I'm not tempted into delusions of beauty again, I'm ditching the powder and giving up bathroom cleaning - just to be sure.  

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Thanks for your personal yada, yada, yada,
Love, Cherdo