Monday, March 3, 2014

Oscar Questions

The 2014 Academy Awards were last night and journalists from Tinseltown will be out in full force working hard at commenting and speculating about every single aspect of the broadcast before we have scrambled our eggs for breakfast on Monday.

I'm just going to represent the flipsters and moms-in-comfy-chairs.  Throw some glitter and confetti in the air, and I'll just imagine I have popcorn (Atkins...fiddlesticks).

These are just a few of the questions that come to mind:

The Audience:

  • Social media mentioned Leonardo DiCaprio 88, 963 times as of Sunday at midnight.  Okay, make that 88,964. I think he is a talented actor with a great body of work behind him.  Still, I'd like to know how many of the comments mentioned that Leo has potty mouth in a lot of these films.  I know, I know, he doesn't write the screenplays...but with all that star power, you could maybe get them to trim that down a bit? You're a great actor - you're totally equipped to show shock and anger by acting.  As I put out new soap balls by the sink tonight, I consciously said "this one is for Leo" just in case he needs help cleaning that up.
  • Steve McQueen stepped to the microphone to voice his thanks when the picture Twelve Years a Slave won.  The camera scanned the audience as he mentioned his dear mama - and she was in the nosebleed section, for sure - like the second to the last row!   Is that the way you treat the mamas, Oscar?  That lady needed oxygen and a Sherpa up there.  Really, how many potential mom seats are we talking about?  There were only nine nominees for Best Picture - save nine seats for the moms.  After all, they're gonna be telling this tale for a looooooong time.
  • I wonder if anyone ever gets turned away at the door because they aren't fabulous enough?   Do they have something like an Oscar bouncer - with a background in fashion or PR?  When an actor's Aunt Bubby does a last minute fill-in for their Mom (who got way too excited and got a migraine), does anyone stop her and say, "Oh, no...we do not have any sequined jogging suit sections, ma'am...you're sitting this one out.  The exit is over there to the left of Ben Affleck and fifteen feet or so beyond Jared Leto."
  • With all that high powered Hollywood hype in one room, I've got to ask:  Are you the ones I need to blame for the cost of going to the movie?


The Fashion

  • When I watch the red carpet, I want everyone to look like a movie star old Hollywood-style. Sandra Bullock - wow!  Charlize Theron - glamorous!  Angelina Jolie - sparkly!  Love, love, love the beautiful gowns.
  • Pharrell...I don't have it in for you buddy, but what is up with the short pants?  It's the Oscars, man.
  • Liza Minelli...no satin pajamas posing as evening wear.  Even if you're still Liza Minelli. 
  • Johnny Weir...tell the truth:  Are you related to Loki from Thor?
  • I don't know anything about fashion, I look for funny in most situations.  I do know I don't want to be the actress in the dress that just didn't work.  Fashion journalists will be slamming them in print and online.  Plenty of people feel the need to do that...which is why I won't.  I'm a rebel.
  • My expert opinion is that there's a lot of taped couture on the runway.  When your neckline goes to your waist, you just have to turn to the Duck Tape people for security, I guess.  I'm grateful for modesty taping.
  • After hearing the high price of glamour, I want to know:  Are you the ones I need to blame for the cost of going to the movie?


Top movies:
Did you notice that all the movies were about situations you don't ever want to find yourself in?  It's not all Cinderella and Working Girl pictures this year.

  • American Hustle:  I don't want to be hustled or to hustle someone else.  I never ever wanted to dance the Hustle, but I was forced to by a terrorist line dancing group during the disco years.  It wasn't pretty.
  • Captain Phillips:  Now I don't want to be on a ship anywhere near the coast of Africa and my feelgood image of Johnny Depp as the default pirate persona is forever tainted.
  • Dallas Buyers Club:  The obvious worst case scenario in this movie was the plight of the characters who had AIDS and struggled to find hope in the form of medication.  But when I think of Matthew McConaughey losing all that weight and having to wear a cowboy hat plus Village People mustache...well, that is just tragic.
  • Gravity:  Floating around untethered in space gives me the shivers.  I've felt that way in Costco.
  • Her:  A man is hyper focused and in love with his phone's operating system.  Hmmm...I do love my Samsung...we'll get back to this one later.
  • Nebraska:  An elderly man wants to go to Lincoln, Nebraska,  so badly that he's willing to walk there from Montana when he thinks he's won a million dollars.  A son sacrificially drives him there and soothes the elderly father's wounded pride when he realizes there is no million in his future.  My son has a learner's permit, so this one just scares me when I think about it.
  • Philomena:  A woman's child is taken from her by nuns;  years later, she goes on a search to find her child.  Reminds me of picking my older sons up at school at the end of the day.  The doors open, a thousand kids pour out and all you can do is hope you can connect with yours.
  • 12 Years a Slave:  Well, that's just 12 years too many.
  • The Wolf of Wall Street:  Sure, there's money and power - but again with the potty mouths.  Is that required in the mover and shaker business?  None of my bosses ever did that.  I didn't do it when I was a boss.  We all managed to get along without it just fine.  Is that why no one made a movie of our work day?
  • I've seen enough commercials, interviews and trailers on all these to know the plot and outcome of these movies.  I've only actually seen three.  It seems like half the budget is thrown into the advertising:  Are you the ones I need to blame for the cost of going to the movie?
The Stage:
  • Where do you go when you need an army of clear, 12 foot high Oscars?   That store made a killing on Sunday night.  
  • What do you call the guy who screws in the thousands of light bulbs that decorated the stage? That fellow will need an anti-inflammatory med and carpal tunnel surgery soon.  In the meanwhile, kudos; it looked marvelous.  That's a lot of electricity.  Are you the ones I need to blame for the cost of going to the movie?
Congratulations to all the actors and actresses, producers, extras, make up, wardrobe and mystery jobs (what is a grip?) on your big night.

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Thanks for your personal yada, yada, yada,
Love, Cherdo