Thursday, April 10, 2014

Why Can't I Find the Perfect Perfume?

Years ago, my favorite perfume was discontinued and I've been searching for something new ever since.  It's a love-hate thing. In theory, I love perfume - not all perfume, obviously.  Many, many truly atrocious perfumes have been sampled in my quest for the next big scent.  Light, citrus scents are my favorite, especially lemon.  But each time I think I've found a replacement scent, it's hang time is about ten minutes total. After that, it might as well be water. 

Why is lemon so hard to master, perfume geniuses?  The ones I encounter are particularly dismal concoctions.  Most of the lemon scents I find smell industrial;  is it that big of a step to a nice, citrusy lemon cologne or perfume?  Consequently, I frequently take a good whiff of  my toilet bowl cleaner, seriously considering whether or not it would hurt my skin, if I am ever desperate enough to give it a whirl as a makeshift replacement.

Then there's the cost issue.  For comparison purposes, I always assume it will set me back by $100. Ouch, but a true and realistic ouch. An average bottle of the good stuff will run upwards of $100, or as I like to say:  $10 a good-stink-minute.  Practically speaking, I'm more interested in an appealing scent at the rate of about 13 cents a good-stink-minute.  I'd pay the $100 for a super stink that lasts twelve hours, in other words.

In spite of my disappointment thus far, I believe it is possible.  

Here's why:  Each time I walk through the department store cosmetics and perfume area, I smell like what ever stink they are pushing, even if I don't try it directly on my skin!  Are they using a special blend to entice you to purchase it?  That has to be it; that stuff clings to everything I am wearing like radioactive fallout - even if I don't actually try the perfume.  I'm talking hours and hours...something like a half of a cent per stink-minute.    If someone could figure out what is so special about those perfumes, my goal of finding the long range lemony citrus perfect perfume (at 13 cents or less per good-stink-minute, don't forget that part!) could be close at hand.

Science, don't fail me now.  You can do this!  It may just be some weird personal bio-chemistry, but does that mean I should go my whole life without perfume?  Find the chemical mix that will allow me to have my scent all day.  The only other hints I can provide, based on my observations, are these:

1)   Classic, well known scents - like Chanel No. 5 - never cling to shopping Cherdo.
2)   If a perfume or cologne was created to oblige the ego of a musician who bankrolled his or her own perfume line, it has more hang time on me but it is accompanied by true olfactory betrayal.   Britney, Taylor Swift, J. Lo...sorry, but "ew."
3)   Likewise, if the perfume has an embarrassing name, like Eau de Weird Al, I practically have to scrub it off.  
4)   If you actually are able to perfect the formula, as a personal favor, please avoid any "de toilette" name.  I'm already pretty skeptical and anything that sounds like toilet doesn't help at all.

Thank you, in advance, Science.

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Love, Cherdo