Monday, June 2, 2014

Debilitating Kardashianism

Dear Kardashian Family:

Thank you for being the focus of the media that floods my world with pictures of everything you do, everywhere you go, every flipping day.
 Oh, honey, I know you have nothing to do with the barrage of attention;  that goes without saying. Everything you do screams "give me privacy."  That is why the Kim and Kanye wedding was soooo secret.  But enough about that; they've had their brief moment in the sun.

In the wake of this wedding publicity, I must tell you that I have some fears for the health of another member of your clan;  some might consider him a lesser member  - or should I say greater?  You be the judge.  I'm referring to Rob, that "accused/alleged" paparazzi plowing driver, "accused/alleged" Kim naughty-tape-leaker, "accused/alleged" Hollywood player and now - apparently "accused" of feeling (allegedly) too fat to attend Kim's wedding.

That's a lot of descriptive words, even for me (allegedly).

Consumed by my fear of this new Kardashian Wedding Syndrome (hence forth, referred to as KWS), I reflect on the possibility that I might actually have KWS;  I must have my doctor assess me. Of course, if this is a legitimate syndrome, far reaching (beyond weddings) or rendering a person unable to perform the basic activities of daily living, I'll need to know how to modify my own behavior - for health's sake. 

Question: was there a weight limit, or wedding party weigh-in that caused him to feel so self-conscious, or is it just this brand new disorder? Can you provide any specifics?  Further explanation, please: how fat do you all feel is too fat to be an attendee?  That truly does seem like a bad situation, fat-wise, if you're too fat to look at a bridal party or sit in a pew.  Absolutely debilitating.

Personally, I am too short for my weight, according to my BMI - it's tragic, because I don't see a viable way to increase my height;  I've pretty well maxed out my growth plates.  Is there a way I can get out of social events or responsibilities by just saying, "I'm sorry, I'm too fat today?"  Please; elaborate.

For example:
  • I'm absolutely certain I may be too KWS for doing the laundry.  Bending, lifting, folding...whew! I might accidentally burn too many calories and lose the only tie to the Kardashian empire that I'll ever have - that would be tragic.
  • Definitely too KWS to cook;  obviously, this would be like a drug addict making their own drugs. Any reasonable healthcare professional would advise against it.
  • Can a lowly citizen gawker, like myself, claim KWS for social settings besides weddings?  How about graduations?  Kitchen gadget parties?  Organic Product sales?  Birthday parties for babies? End-of-year parties for all kid activities that already took up several days a week (really, they've had their share of the Cherdo calendar already)?  High pressure pleas for volunteering?
  • What about heavy traffic?  Should a full-on sufferer of KWS be made to sit in traffic?  Seems like the KWS suffer must already be a little bit too impatient and unstable to risk anything that would upset them.  Our traffic is pretty challenging at 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.  Perhaps I should make sure I don't work - you know, because of the KWS?  Why risk it!  
  • Could I get a special parking sticker that says I can just stay parked at all times?
  • Is there a sticker for your car limo designating this affliction?

Once again, I owe you Kardashians a debt of gratitude for making me aware of this condition and your bravery in sharing the difficulties that burden you, much like all the other public services you have offered by your media exposure and your tireless efforts to rid yourself of every dollar you receive.  

Kindest regards,
Cherdo

P.S.: Don't sue me; I'm poor.  After all, I did say "accused/alleged"...

6 comments:

  1. Hello and happy Monday, dear Cherdo! I think the rich and famous serve as excellent role models for us all, and we should strive to be more like them. It is my belief that KWS should be a legal defense in murder trials. Moreover, folks like you and I should not have to wait in traffic, wait in line or be required to deal personally with any pencil pushing, bean counting bureaucrat. We should hire people to perform those unpleasant duties for us. I, for one, hired a "gentleman's gentleman" who pre-chews my food and goes to the bathroom for me when I can't find the time.

    Thanks for the smiles and chuckles again this morning, dear friend. By the way, I wanted to let you know that I am currently appearing on two other sites as a guest blogger. If you can find time and would like to learn more about me through my stories, I invite you to visit the following blogs today:

    WOMEN: WE SHALL OVERCOME at http://dumpedfirstwife.blogspot.com/

    and

    Writing The Rapids at http://writingtherapids.blogspot.com/

    Thank you very much, dear friend Cherdo, and enjoy the rest of your day!

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  2. I'm always amazed at what people will pay for or give their time to - and what they won't. Reality TV is almost over, isn't it? Please, please, please?

    OOO, great news! I'm on it. More Shady is a good thing (a la Martha).

    Keep the stories comin', pal.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, dear friend!

      FYI - Janie Junebug has a moderated blog and typically collects a whole bunch of comments before publishing them all at once, sometimes many hours after people leave them. If you commented on my guest post that explains why your comment didn't show up yet. I hope you will check back. Janie has asked me to reply to all comments left on her blog.

      Thank you for going all the way to Australia to comment on Allie-Millie's blog. It was very sweet of you, Cherdo!

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    2. Comments left on all - plenty of praise and admiration to go around. I'm in the biz of promoting good flipster stuff in the blogdom. You fit the bill, you flipster!

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  3. Wait...Rob is possibly the one who leaked Kim's sex tape? Wasn't he pretty young when that came out? If so...yikes! I have to admit, I watched the first 7 seasons of Keeping Up with the Kardashians recently because it was on Hulu Plus. That family has some issues...especially Kris with her desperate need to get more attention than her kids. The funny thing was, I'd just finished watching her last wedding (i.e. publicity stunt) that failed the weekend she was getting married again. I'm assuming her most recent wedding will appear on the show, as well? Heaven forbid they do something without cameras following them every step of the way.

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    Replies
    1. "Allegedly," Stephanie! Ha ha. I did a quick sweep of internet rumors (wait..."internet" may be a Latin word for rumor...) and the "leak" rumor came out. Thankfully, I can say with certainty, I am no expert. I've already seen all I want to see of the K clan, but..they...keep...coming...baaaacccckkkk....

      Thanks for stopping by!
      Cherdo

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Thanks for your personal yada, yada, yada,
Love, Cherdo