Thursday, July 17, 2014

Door Wars

All I wanted was a door. 

Everyone I know has a decent door; really, they do. It's not too much to ask. Armed with the minimum math skills necessary to make a purchase, Hubzam and I ventured out into the community to find our new door. We had desire, transportation, cash, and enthusiasm. Basically, we should be a sales rep's dream couple. Arriving at the big box store, we made a beeline for the doors and hardware. My education began immediately.

Inspired by their "sale", I perused the moderately priced options. In general, moderation is my comfort zone on a lot of home issues. Living in a middle class neighborhood, in a middle class house, does not require a $4000 door. It doesn't require a $2000 or $3000 door, for that matter. My brain will look at those doors and say, "That's a whole lot of potential fun-dollars and art supplies tied up in that door."

I set my sights on a lower range. Nailing my feet to the floor, I had a target of $1000 or less. Less sounds really good, actually, even if I have to do a little extra to get that. If I felt comfortable installing it myself (and by me - I always mean my Hubzam), I would even go lower with my target price.

In past home improvement efforts, lots of little surprises have cropped up and I have developed a bit of a fear with regard to big projects (earned). Our house used to be an antique barn that was converted to a private home. It's not that I doubt my Hubzam's ability to do repairs. We have a weird house - and I love my unique, weird house, but it's challenging!  Our walls are 18+ inches wide due to the large river stone exterior. Nothing about my house is even close to standard. This requires a real carpenter. Represent!

In the beginning, picking a door seemed so simple. All the literature that surrounds the display sings the praises of the company that manufactures the doors and lists all the options for colors and styles available. Color and style are the important chick factors, so we females pore over the details. To Hubzam's credit, I think he has heard the word "craftsman" enough times to know what I'm talking about. Brownie points for my sweet. After a half hour of style debate, I chose a door on sale, not a custom order, and sat down to finalize the purchase and installation.

The conversation went like this, with the spoken words in black text, and the real meaning of the words in brackets:

Sales Dog:  "Okay, let's check to see if we have that one in stock."
                  [Really, we put things on sale and we may not have any here. "Off the shelf" doesn't 
                  really mean anything at all.]

Cherdo, Pre-Flip Out:  "I'd like style 123; the one that is one sale for $549. It's a 36" door. Can I get
                  that in the Oakleaf color on the chart?"
                 [I'd like style 123; the one that is one sale for $549. Can I get that in the Oakleaf color on
                 the chart? I actually read the chart and believed it could be mine.]

Sales Dog: "Sure! Let me enter that information into our computer. We will have to send one of our
                  guys out there to measure. That's $35. For Oakleaf, it's $99 more. "
                  [Oh, yeah, it's on.]

Cherdo, Pre-Flip Out: "Aren't the sizes standard?"
                  [Aren't the sizes standard?]

Sales Dog: "Yeah, generally. But our guy will see if he is going to need special trim. It's a standard
                  $250 installation, unless there's more that has to be done."
                  [This wench does not think that she is going to get out of here without a fee to measure,     
                  does she?] 

Cherdo, Pre-Flip Out: "So, now we are up to $933. Okay, that is still in budget. Do you need an
                  ["So, now we are up to $933. Okay, that is still in budget. Do you need an address?]

Sales Dog: "Not yet; let's get some more information.  Is it a left handed or a right handed door? How
                   many panels do you want? Are you okay with that finish? Do you want blinds between
                   the glass? How about decorative glass? Iron details? Etched? I'm sure you want the
                   lockset bore. Do you have a lockset? Of course, you're going to want Southern Energy
                   Star Qualified product."
                  [I will baffle her with with my high school edjumacation and garden variety door-jargon.]

Cherdo, Pre-Flip Out: "I just want that door on the shelf. Does that door come with those things?"
                   [I just want that door on the shelf. Does that door come with those things?]

(He chuckles to himself. Darn if I don't despise a snark-a-chuckle when I ask a simple question. Who knew?)

Sales Dog:  "What about the frame? It's pre-hung, but you're going to want to add rot-resistant
                  threshold; that can extend to the whole frame or just six inches up from the bottom. You
                  don't want your frame to rot."
                  [...I could do this all day...]

Cherdo, Pre-Flip Out: "Why would you sell me a frame that would just rot on me - it's a new door?
                   I guess I need that, but I can't believe it's another add-on charge."
                   [Shyster. Dang money grubbing shyster. Rehab pushing dog. Money leeching,    
                   disrespectful, DIY, HGTV sponsored shyster clerk clown.]

Sales Dog: "And you'll have to paint everything within 30 days or your warranty won't be valid."
                   [He he he he he...]

Cherdo, Pre-Flip Out: "So, we'll pick it up first, paint it before installation, okay?"
                   [I'm going to come across that desk and slay you.]

Sales Dog: "Sure. Of course, if the installer damages the door after you have painted it, we won't
                  cover that under your warranty."
                  [She is going to have a coronary.]

Cherdo, Pre-Flip Out: "Why not? It's your installer doing the damage?"
                   [I am going to have a coronary.]

Sales Dog: "Because you painted it. Your new total is $1394 plus tax."
                   [Let me stand behind something substantial before I tell her there may be a charge for 
                   additional trim work...]

Cherdo, Full Flip Out, spins around and points to a cheaper door: "Forget it. Give me that door,
                  as is, and a total cost in writing."
                  [No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. NO. NOOOOO.]

Hubzam: "Are you sure?
                  [What in the...? This is the whole menopause thing I read about...]

Cherdo, Full Flip Out: "Yes" (Drool dribbles out of the corner of my mouth.)
                  [Hubzam, step back and save yourself. You still have many good years ahead of you, 
                  possibly with a new door. Tell the children I tried...keep buying the good dog food... 

Hubzam: "Really? I'm surprised...seriously, you can get any door you want..."
                  [The veins on her temples are really big. I never noticed that. And there are actual flames 
                  in her pupils. Weird.]

Cherdo, Full Flip Out: "YES. That is the door I dreamed of all my life. I can't live without that door.
                  Give me that door. SOMEONE WRITE IT UP AND GIVE ME THAT DOOR."
                  [All I care about is putting a new piece of wood over a rectangular hole in my house. I 
                  want that piece of wood to have a handle. I want to grab that handle and open my 
                  rectangular hole and walk into my house. And I want to leave this store right now without 
                  being charged with attempted murder.]

Sales Dog: "All you have to do now is pick out a door knob. Do you want to hear the options?"
                  [Even I can't believe I'm still tormenting this woman.]

Alternate fantasy ending of this story: Using carpentry skills I never knew I possessed, I grabbed a hammer and ninja pounded him to a pulp, all while yelling, "You didn't see that coming, did you? It never occurred to you that I had mad menopausal ninja skills! This whupping WAS included in this transaction!"

Stealthily, I grab lumber and the original door and fashion a coffin to remove the body from the big box store. Before I nail the lid shut, I remove his Employee of the Month badge, shouting, "I disagree!"

Under a cloak of invisibility, I leave with the body and snazzy door coffin. 

With malice aforethought, I transport the body and dazzling door coffin to the loading dock by a local high school woodshop classroom. That spot has been a mess for a year, so I won't have to worry about it being found any time soon. Perhaps someone can claim it and get extra credit in woodshop. Education is important.

Meanwhile, back at the big box store, his boss is writing up a warning for his employee file for leaving his station unattended. He has lost his Employee of the Month status twice in one day. I am avenged(ish).


  1. Sales Dog: Yes ma'am, that door's on sale for the price indicated. Now if you want it to open and close it's gonna be extra..... or I can show you a sheet of mosquito netting for the same price!

    (2 seconds later, Cherdo has the dude down on the floor in a sleeper hold.)

    Hello, dear Cherdo! I'm sorry to say I took offense at some of the language you used in this post. You see, some of my best friends are money leeching, disrespectful, DIY, HGTV sponsored shyster clerk clowns. :)

    Dear friend, I have an elementary school edjumacation and the diploma to prove it, and therefore I'm smart enough to know a humor classic when I read one. I'm glad you published this one before I skipped town because it's the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I laughed out loud. Nicely done, dearie! See you tomorrow, I hope.

    1. Hearing that you laughed out loud is the best thing you can tell me, Shady! I live for that, ha ha.

      Aren't you proud that I never curse? It's hard to keep coming up with an alternate language lifestyle.

  2. My front door was in sad shape. It begged for someone to break the glass, unlock the deadbolt, and walk right in. My friend Carol happens to have a son named David who is a carpenter. When it was time for a new door, David took all the measurements, went to Lowe's with me, and helped me choose a steel door with no glass in it, and a security (storm) door. David picked up the doors with his truck, brought them to my house, and installed them. He put in a new door frame, too, so it would be up to code. I will keep Carol as a friend no matter what just so I have access to David. Total cost came to about $800. It was my Christmas present from Willy Dunne Wooters, and it was a heck of a lot better than more jewelry (which I like but don't need). You need to get a Carol and David. Your life will be so much easier, but door shopping won't be as amusing.


    1. Girl, I do need a Carol and David, lol. Give me their number and ask if they are willing to drive to Knoxville. I CAN cook a great company dinner.

    2. I don't know if they'd go for dinner. I'm sure you're a great cook, but Carol and David are excellent cooks. They are geniuses of practicality. Carol repaired my silk drapes that someone had chewed on a bit when he first came to live with me and he was nervous.

  3. BEAUTIFUL! It's funny you posted this--we just replaced the back and front door on our house. We had the same doors we had during the flood--those doors weren't impacted like our indoor doors and walls were, so we didn't replace them at the time so we could just get back into the house. We're putting the house on the market in the next couple of years, though, so we didn't want to buy a nice door like yours, since we probably won't get the extra money out of the house. Had we been staying here, though, I would have insisted on a beautiful door with glass like that!

    1. I was so glad to get it in and not kill someone, ha ha. Thanks, Stephanie!

  4. Life needs more alternate endings involving latent ninja skills.

    Perfectly nice door. Well done.


Thanks for your personal yada, yada, yada,
Love, Cherdo