Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Two Days Till Freak Out

Dear Revelers and Celebrators of Independence and Mirth:

July 4th will soon be upon us and everyone is stocking up on charcoal, fireworks, potato salad and "beverages".  On behalf of my dog, Coco, please let me request that you kindly consider taking the celebration down just a notch this year and maybe even avoid some of the unnecessary noise that goes on long into the night. No one loves a party more than yours truly, but there are some considerations that might help us reach a compromise. 

First of all, there are some great fireworks displays all over town;  please, check them out. They're fabulous and everyone enjoys them. Take a lawn chair and a snack, you'll just love them. Do you know what I really like about those displays? A posted start time - and ending. 

In my neighborhood, cheap fireworks go off all day on July fact, they're going off on July 2nd. Wouldn't it be better to coordinate this? Perhaps we could have an official time, like when the ball drops at midnight on New Year's Eve? As it is, I wear out a spot on the carpet for a week prior to July 4th as I look out various windows and loudly question (no one in particular), "Who is that now?" 

Driving around our neighborhood in past years, I've seen strange contortions and gyrations as native Tennesseans danced around at the end of their driveway while watching blackened wormy things emerge from a mysterious mini-hockey puck they've ignited. I've done that, too, but don't you feel like this might be some sort of test to see how easily we might be amused? The wormy thing is interesting the first time; if you're still fascinated as you go through the whole box, well, that's just odd. It makes me think of a psychological experiment.

Sparklers are far more interesting for the personal experience; and quiet. I think of them as I pick them up in my yard, even when we didn't have any sparklers.

As you party, fire up or explode things purchased at the side of the road, my patriotic poodle, Coco, is losing her ever lovin' mind. The usually unflappable pooch is absolutely paralyzed with a phobic fear of the sounds of fireworks. But that ain't all, folks! Just when I think she is getting used to it, someone starts shooting a gun. 

What's up with the celebratory weaponry? I've got nothing against gun ownership, until you get that thing out as a key part of your family get together. Doesn't this just add a layer of danger? You're already playing around with alcohol, explosives and baked beans - must we add ammo to the mix? 

If you drink enough, you may be pleasantly surprised at how satisfying it might be to just stand in the yard and yell "Bang!" while saving your ammo and eliminating the potential for injury. Keep drinking till you feel that sense of accomplishment; it will give you something to do instead of firecrackers. In fact, if I hear you yelling "Bang!" instead of shooting off a gun, I will pat you on the back the next time I see you. So, there's that to look forward to, also.

In closing, just enjoy the holiday. Investigate competitive grilling. Brag about your kabobs or create new s'mores. Remember that some of your quiet loving neighbors are using some of their hard earned paid vacation days to relax, have family time and grill out ...while their dog shakes and cries from the minute the firecrackers start till the very last pop, of course. After all, it's a holiday.


  1. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

    I hear ya, dear Cherdo. BOY, do I hear ya! Halloween was ruined by evildoers putting razor blazes in candy bars and lacing treats with Tylenol and rat poison. In many neighborhoods the 4th of July has become a night of wilding and drunken debauchery. Some people act as if it's their patriotic duty to get liquored up and stage their own all-night pyrotechnics show. Once the fireworks are purchased, the temptation is too great for them to wait until the 4th to commence detonation. They begin on the 3rd, the 2nd and so forth. If they awake from their stupor the morning after Independence Day and discover a few unexploded skyrockets and M-80s, they set them off on the 5th, the 6th and so on. Heck, as long as we're turning the holiday into a week long bombing raid, why not stretch out the fun to cover the entire month of July or make it a summertime thing in general? Why stop there? Why shouldn't we see "the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air" on Valentine's Day, Groundhog Day and Easter?

    I hate the thought of all the pets that will be hunkered down in closets and under beds for hours while the neighbors get their jollies making unnecessary noise. I hope your Coco makes it through the traumatic ordeal without any lasting effects. Did any of those jokers ever stop to think that some people have jobs that require them to get some sleep and wake up early the next day? Mrs. Shady is a healthcare professional who often works on holidays or the morning after. She is tired of having to wear ear plugs to bed.

    Celebratory gunfire is the most worrisome of holiday traditions. Crackpots fire their guns on the 4th and on New Year's Eve. In my community, a little boy was struck in the head by a stray bullet and nearly killed while watching a community fireworks display with his family. An investigation determined that the projectile had a nearly vertical trajectory and was the result of celebratory gunfire. Need I say more?

    I agree. Guys who love to treat their neighbors to dusk-till-dawn pop parties and can't resist shooting at the nighttime sky might want to try less dangerous activities like competitive grilling. They could determine who among them has bragging rights to the biggest wiener. Know what I mean, Vern?

    1. Willy Dunne Wooters has the biggest wiener. I win!

    2. Must be Nathans or Hebrew National...

      And I'll take your word for that, Janie Junebug! <3

    3. She never saw my Johnsonville brat!

    4. I'm laughing so hard it hurts.

  2. Coco will get the shakes and want to be on my lap the whole time. It's the kind of thing that you can't explain to a dog!

    Hubzam is not a fan, either. :-(

    And, really, I don't begrudge someone a little rowdy celebration - it's the fact that it starts early (days early!) and ends late (days late!). The spirit of this holiday compromise on the noise issue is so lopsided it ceases to be a compromise - it's more like: "You must submit to whatever I dish out, for as long as I'm dishing!"

    Get Mrs. Shady some atomic earplugs, she needs the rest. As a past healthcare professional, I know how much we love a few ZZZZZZZs.

  3. Replies
    1. Back at ya, LL. Frolic and celebrate en masse.

  4. You have written a missive which has compelled me to stand in my yard and yell BANG!

    1. You were meant for that task, just don't do it around stained glass. Fragile, ya know.

  5. Franklin, Harper, and I do not like this "holiday." Last night I heard the bang bang bang of a string of firecrackers. People won't stop when the fourth is over. It will continue all weekend. I will go outside when the boys go out this weekend. I fear someone with a good arm will throw an explosive device over our fence, which is seven-feet tall.


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Thanks for your personal yada, yada, yada,
Love, Cherdo