Dear Revelers and Celebrators of Independence and Mirth:
July 4th will soon be upon us and everyone is stocking up on charcoal, fireworks, potato salad and "beverages". On behalf of my dog, Coco, please let me request that you kindly consider taking the celebration down just a notch this year and maybe even avoid some of the unnecessary noise that goes on long into the night. No one loves a party more than yours truly, but there are some considerations that might help us reach a compromise.
First of all, there are some great fireworks displays all over town; please, check them out. They're fabulous and everyone enjoys them. Take a lawn chair and a snack, you'll just love them. Do you know what I really like about those displays? A posted start time - and ending.
In my neighborhood, cheap fireworks go off all day on July 4th...in fact, they're going off on July 2nd. Wouldn't it be better to coordinate this? Perhaps we could have an official time, like when the ball drops at midnight on New Year's Eve? As it is, I wear out a spot on the carpet for a week prior to July 4th as I look out various windows and loudly question (no one in particular), "Who is that now?"
Driving around our neighborhood in past years, I've seen strange contortions and gyrations as native Tennesseans danced around at the end of their driveway while watching blackened wormy things emerge from a mysterious mini-hockey puck they've ignited. I've done that, too, but don't you feel like this might be some sort of test to see how easily we might be amused? The wormy thing is interesting the first time; if you're still fascinated as you go through the whole box, well, that's just odd. It makes me think of a psychological experiment.
Sparklers are far more interesting for the personal experience; and quiet. I think of them as I pick them up in my yard, even when we didn't have any sparklers.
As you party, fire up or explode things purchased at the side of the road, my patriotic poodle, Coco, is losing her ever lovin' mind. The usually unflappable pooch is absolutely paralyzed with a phobic fear of the sounds of fireworks. But that ain't all, folks! Just when I think she is getting used to it, someone starts shooting a gun.
What's up with the celebratory weaponry? I've got nothing against gun ownership, until you get that thing out as a key part of your family get together. Doesn't this just add a layer of danger? You're already playing around with alcohol, explosives and baked beans - must we add ammo to the mix?
If you drink enough, you may be pleasantly surprised at how satisfying it might be to just stand in the yard and yell "Bang!" while saving your ammo and eliminating the potential for injury. Keep drinking till you feel that sense of accomplishment; it will give you something to do instead of firecrackers. In fact, if I hear you yelling "Bang!" instead of shooting off a gun, I will pat you on the back the next time I see you. So, there's that to look forward to, also.
In closing, just enjoy the holiday. Investigate competitive grilling. Brag about your kabobs or create new s'mores. Remember that some of your quiet loving neighbors are using some of their hard earned paid vacation days to relax, have family time and grill out ...while their dog shakes and cries from the minute the firecrackers start till the very last pop, of course. After all, it's a holiday.