My life could be a video game. I've never really played them much (boys...you could let me try more than once), but I sure have had to endure discussions about them. The premise that these failed tasks, frustrating challenges and repetitive nonsense are interesting is the the very reason I think my life would make a good video game. I'm full of repetitive nonsense.
Welcome to The New Legend of Cherdo's Cart Quest...
- The main character is Cherdo and I start in the Kitchen of Dawn, standing in front of a stove. The objective is to leave the Kitchen of Dawn, travel through all the mazes and get to the Outdoor Life of Adult Freedom (if you're really good, you might even move up to the Coffee Shop of Ranting Women). I'm told there are upgrades, if I ever get to those levels.
- There is another character in the Kitchen of Dawn with me. Who can that be? Oh, it's the Hubzam of Coinage. If you go to the stove and cook things, the Hubzam may release his coins.
- Be careful, though - many of the silver coins can only be used for purchasing more food, that then needs cooked. It's like a culinary hamster wheel. You want the gold coins that can be used for weapons and ammo to blast your way out of the kitchen. Jump on any chance to buy weapons and ammo. Frying pans may look like a potential weapon; it's a trick. You'll have to cook something on the stove, trust me. Pass them by.
- The other option for getting out of the Kitchen of Dawn is solving the Refrigerator of Regret Puzzle. If a thought-bubble containing a picture of a type of entree appears over the Hubzam of Coinage's head, you have thirty seconds to dig through the Refrigerator of Regret and find the ingredients of the thought-bubble entree. With the incredients in hand, fling it at the Hubzam, as if it were a weapon. Be quick. If the thought-bubble explodes, you will find yourself standing in front of the stove again.
- If you're successful, feed the Hubzam and collect enough gold coins, the Hubzam image will become nearly transparent as he walks backward and falls into a Recliner of Slumber. You want this to happen. Now you can address the next level.
- You'll see a door open; it is the Laundry Lair.
- Enter through the door and look both ways for Big Mushrooms (Biggies) and Small Mushrooms (Smallies). Big Mushrooms are growing on big piles of damp laundry. Small mushrooms are running around looking for laundry to attach themselves to; pick up the gallon sized jug of Death Detergent and squash them Smallies. Remember, even with the best of intentions, there's only so much detergent.
- When you're through with the Smallies, continue to use the Death Detergent to squash the Biggies. If you confuse the order and squash Biggies first, the Smallies will jump on the pile of laundry the minute you eliminate the Biggies and begin to grow into Biggies. Panic time.
- To avoid this: As soon as you crush the Biggies, grab the laundry that was beneath them and throw it into the Wonder Washer. The Wonder Washer runs on gold coins. Be quick; if you wait, the laundry will double and thus be able to host Bigger Big Mushrooms. You'll be back to step 6.
- Skip any extra dialogue boxes; it's laundry, not Trig.
- Some of the hazards of this level include the Old Tennis Shoe Ghosts and Lint Traps. The OTS Ghosts can kill you with their Evil Odor. Bam; you're out of the game. Jump over them before you're obliterated.
- The game will mock you and post your defeat on Facebook, no matter what your privacy settings may be. Invitations to join others in their versions of the game are bogus, too.
- A Bubble Witch rising from the washer is just lost; she belongs in another game. Ignore her.
- The Lint Trap is even more frustrating. As soon as your Wonder Washer is full, you'll see a sign that flashes the warning: PUT CLOTHES IN DRYER. Grab the clothes and start looking for that dryer! This part is confusing to me, because I'm putting the clothes in the dryer and thinking I'm hot stuff, when all of a sudden, I see the words "lint trap" and I'm sliding down a hole that lands in front of the darn stove again; ocarina music is playing a sad defeat dirge to confirm that I've gone down a level.
- Hubzam of Coinage is there; and he's hungry. Back to step 1.
I don't want to give away too much information about all the exciting levels, but I will tell you there are opportunities to fold and put away laundry, make beds, become the Queen of the TV Remote (and control the attention of the other characters), and a power mode that allows you to transport yourself to a grocery store where my Cherdo Cart risked attack by toddlers throwing turtle shells.
That was as far as I got; one minute, I'm in the grocery store - the next, I'm right back in front of the stove again.
Shazzbatt, Hubzam of Coinage is there again with a thought-bubble of stuffed jalapenos. I know for a fact there are no jalapenos in the Refrigerator of Regret, and you do, too, Hubzam of Coinage!
My real Hubzam did not program this game and is critical of many of the Kitchen features. He says it's not realistic that I find myself in front of the stove that often, no matter what I might think.