Thursday, August 21, 2014

Where to Retire...


Confesson: I've always thought that I would like to be one of those retirees who moves to Florida for the winter. I just love the sun, the ocean, and the quart of sun screen I put on with a paint roller to maintain my day-glo complexion. The last time we were in Punta Gorda and traipsing around Sanibel Island, the thought nagged at me: I should live here. Housing seemed like it would be a no-brainer; plenty of "for sale" signs. Maybe too many...but no matter! Florida might work for me.

But then, I flip. I start dwelling on the negative aspects...

Florida sure has the bugs. Not to say that we don't have bugs in my home state. In fact, I have weird ones that I can't identify right in my yard. But the last time I was in Florida it really seemed to have cornered the market on tiny, annoying gnat-like bugs. And there were fire ants; take one guess at how I know about fire ants? Sandals doubling as ant condos, that's how. Yoweee! What a unique form of pain; fire ants are aptly named.

And what about those sinkholes? What is going on down there, Florida (if you email me a geological explanation of a sinkhole, I will scream, just so you know)? My point is that it seems like they appear in clusters and I can easily imagine hauling my old carcass to Florida, investing in my dream real estate (at a rock bottom price), and discovering the whole kit and kaboodle is at the bottom of sinkhole. Visualize Hubzam and I peering down into said sinkhole, glazed over, waiting to see which one of us falls in on top of our retirement kaboodle and twisted lawn ornamentation. I'd have at least one plastic flamingo in that hole. 

The Wile E. Coyote Insurance Company would then inform me that my particular kind of retirement-dream-killing sinkhole-sucking-real-estate-damage was not covered under any circumstances. Bet on it. 

Next, let's talk about 'gators. No, not the sports teams. I'm talking about the feral reptilian pre-handbag critters that roam the glades...and golf courses. The giant lawn-o-saurs that would gladly eat my poodle or chomp a cat. I ask you: where does that fit in to my retirement? The thought of it would put me on creep factor disability, and I don't want to roll like that. 

Dream squashed; I have to retire just a little farther north.

Last week, the news reported that a thousand pound alligator was caught in the Alabama River. Forget about fire ants, these giant lizards are coming North to meet me. Somehow, they got wind of my aversion to their pesky ways.

If I'm left with nowhere to retire but north of the Mason-Dixon, I'll just keep working.

16 comments:

  1. Madam Chairman, the great state of Florida, home to bugs, gators and sinkholes (and heat, humidity, lightning and hurricanes) proudly casts its votes for you to retire here.

    Consider the benefits.

    * Our state bird is Janie Junebug. She lives here and you could be her neighbor and borrow cups of sugar and stuff.

    * Shady Del Knight also lives here and you could be my neighbor and I could borrow money and stuff.

    If I could be frank for a moment (instead of Shady) I would like to mention how much Mrs. Shady and I liked Flagstaff, Arizona. Residents enjoy 5 different seasons and the mountain scenery is spectacular. We could see ourselves retiring there. We also have our eyes on Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont. This winter when the Florida temperature plunges below 70 we will come to our senses and be glad we live here in the land of bugs and gators and holes!

    Happy Thursday, dear friend Cherdo!

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    1. Shady and Janie, all conveniently located and not in a hole? Perhaps I spoke too soon. Air conditioning could solve some of these problems. Darn, I forgot about hurricanes and lightning wasn't even on my list. I could just NOT wear sandals as I walk through fire ants (actually, they got me in the Bahamas, too). More information on the fifth season available in Flagstaff, please? Double summer? Triple summer, spring and fall?

      As your dear friend, I would gladly - interest free - loan you...nay, give you...all the money in my purse right now. I'm that kind of girl. Uh, don't make too many plans, finance-wise. It's the thought that counts. And I thought I'd be rich by now...

      Bless you, Shadykins, and have a lovely, humid, hot, flamingo attracting day.

      PS: I keep forgetting to post this as a reply, so then I delete it and put it as a reply, thinking, "I am a bloomin' idiot, after all."

      Delete
    2. Here's what Wiki says (and you can ALWAYS believe Wiki):

      << Flagstaff has five distinct seasons: a cold and snowy winter, with extended dry periods punctuated with deep snows about once every 3-4 weeks; a dry and windy spring with occasional snows; a very dry and hot early summer from May to early July; a wet and humid monsoon season from July to early September; and a dry and pleasant fall which lasts until the first snows in November. >>

      Delete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. Yessum, dear Cherdo, I notice that you keep writing comments and then deleting them. I'm replying to this deleted comment because I'm pretty sure of what you wrote here. To answer your question, I currently hold the following bodybuilding titles:

      * Mr. America
      * Mr. Olympia
      * Mr. World
      * Ironman International

      and last but not least...

      * Mr. Hawaiian Tropic

      Thanks for asking!

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    2. Ha ha ha ha... You forgot the question about all your bank account numbers and where you hide the key (under the mat, with fire ants?).

      Delete
  3. I live in Tennessee...I can't say I'd dream of retiring here. I live here now because my mom and stepdaughter are here, but that's it. My husband can work from anywhere and my stepdaughter says she has no plans to stay in Tennessee after high school...so we may move someday. If I lived in Florida, you can bet it would be on the beach, though. I have no desire to live in the middle of Florida--that heat is BRUTAL. But with the breeze from the ocean...that would be nice!

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    1. Howdy, Neighbor Stephanie. Knoxville is pretty sweet and we're close to the mountains, so that is a plus. I just wish I could be near the water; I'd take a nice inlet, even.

      Delete
  4. I've moved several times in my life and never again. My wife knows this. I notice you have a ? over Vermont. I love it, but you'd have to give serious thought to how you feel about winter. Mid-May to mid-October, it's spectacular here. The rest of the year... Do you have indoor hobbies you enjoy?

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    1. Ha ha ha...I'd love Vermont; I don't mind the cold weather OR staying indoors. I grew up in NE Ohio (gotta love that lake effect) and we used to have big snows. But the love of my life, dear Hubzam, is from the South and he doesn't understand my love of winter. Darn it, I love him more than winter. How crazy is that.

      The "?" means that I haven't ruled it out...

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  5. I believe most of the sinkholes are in Central Florida. Someone told me that the land is like Swiss cheese over there. South Florida is safe. I've lived by the beach. It's wonderful.

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  6. In case you were wondering, Vermont is full of farms, no super wal-marts, mostly local, mom-and-pop buisnesses, very few McDonalds, Ben and Jerry's, and it's basically just one big state park.. Downsides are the winter that lasts from October to May (which means a ton of snow in North, and freezing rain in the south), the northern part of the state is pretty much Quebec with less french and the southern part of the state is a hipster version of Northern Massachusetts.

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    Replies
    1. So far, so good...it sounds awesome! I know it is geographically beautiful (or do I mean to say physically?).

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  7. Where is my comment? I wrote a brilliant comment. You deleted me, didn't you? Oh, how sad that you are so jealous of me, Cherdo. You must try to get over your envy. I told you all sorts of wonderful reasons to live in Northern Florida, I told you about Kansas, and I told you about Illinois. When you rid yourself of me, my heart breaks for you because you miss out on my brilliance.

    Love and sighs,

    Woeful Janie

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    Replies
    1. Oh gosh, that made me laugh, Janie! I have yet to delete anyone but myself(see comment made to Shady). You could write a hundred and it still wouldn't be enough Janie in the day. It's required...like air...

      Delete

Thanks for your personal yada, yada, yada,
Love, Cherdo