Three meals a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, and 95% of them are planned and eaten with my son, Gonzo. It's rough being the last kid left at home and homeschooled to boot...it's a real blessing that he still talks to me - we spend beau coups time together. Honestly, I get pretty tired of me. He may not be paying attention.
While searching for the components of yesterday's lunch, Gonzo remarked: "You know how you find something really, really delicious to eat, Mom? When that happens, I can almost guarantee that it is packed with calories..."
"...or no good for you," I added. We both laughed in agreement and then I think I actually saw the magic light bulb appear above his head.
"IT'S CHEF MURPHY!" Gonzo screamed.
The theory behind the existence of Chef Murphy:
Everyone is pretty clear about Murphy's Law - anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. The world has long forgotten the origins of this perverse outlook on the nature of outcomes, but it sure seems to find applications in day to day life. There actually is no Murphy to thank for that - or is there?
And if there is a Murphy who was the inspiration for this law, then he most certainly has a brother and that brother is a Chef. There's probably a black cloud over everything he cooks and an even bigger black cloud over the food you actually want to eat.
Chef Murphy may have been the head chef on many nutritional issues:
- If it tastes good - it's bad for you. Really, really bad for you.
- If you already know a food is bad for you, and you deny yourself for years, new studies will show that the denied food was actually the only thing known to prolong life and prevent premature anal leakage.
- Those new studies will later be deemed in error or flat out wrong, and an unfortunate typo will be corrected in the re-issue, notifying the public that, unfortunately, the food item you loved, then denied yourself, then started to eat in ridiculous quantities to prolong your life...well, we should have said "caused" instead of "prevents" anal leakage. Please correct your old copy of the test.
- If you buy a food because it's low fat...it has twice as much of any listed "bad" ingredient as the full fat version, just to make up for those lost fat cals. No one can kill the fatted cal.
- The Chef Murphy restaurant tables have three artificial sweeteners in convenient caddies available for patrons. Use them instead of sugar; you don't want Type II Diabetes, right? By the way, they all cause some undesired health problem, but they're freebies, so go ahead and debate whether the yellow packet or the blue packet or good old pink packet is the best choice. This is Chef Murphy's place. What could go wrong?
- If you think something looks really gross, but you are talked into trying it, you'll find that it was ten times grosser than you thought.
- E.Coli is a default seasoning in anything that comes from the food industry - because Chef Murphy consults. What, you say? You eat processed food all the time? You've never gotten sick from E. Coli?
- Wait, wait! I'm not done, what's with the previous bullet point? They call it "E. Coli" because everyone is on a familiar nickname basis with it. You don't see anyone calling streptococcus aureus "S. Aure." I know I'm talking about his brother, but you're tempting fate by thinking that way. Don't you understand the original Murphy's Law? Never say never! Okay, I'm done. Go ahead and purchase the Kaopectate, in case you can't leave the house. You looked flushed, by the way. And the word flushed has me thinking of E. Coli again.
- Scientists working with Murphy discovered that you can eat as many carbs as you want, unless your heart is pumping. Then it's really bad for you. Really, really bad for you.
[Gonzo has some humor genes getting fired up and sassy lately. I better watch my back. I'll lose my favorite non-paying job.]