Monday, November 3, 2014

Don't Take Fashion Tips from a Nudist (and Other Pointless Advice)


In our bumper sticker mentality society, we love those quick and witty sayings that stick with us and bring us ever closer to feeling much wiser and in control of our lives. A while back, I saw this posted by a Facebook friend (ah, you know who you are...not sure you'd want me to say your name, BR):

"Dentists make money from the treatment of bad teeth - why use the toothpaste they recommend?"

You know...that's a good point. There's not an abundance of altruism floating around. Add money, and there's even less. Professional people will always be given the benefit of the doubt, but nothing makes them more honest that the average guy. 

Be paranoid with me for a minute: would a dentist actually avoid recommending a really great toothpaste because it cut in to his/her bottom line? 

Shazzbatt, now I'm questioning everything.

"A bird in hand is worth two in the bush."

Is it? See, I have a bush and it may or may not contain two additional birds, but I'm not sure I could satisfactorily establish the monetary value of each bird without reliable information, thus allowing me to prove that they are, in fact, of equal value. 

I'm wondering if anyone actually did the math here; in fact, it seems more like Algebra, because I'm inclined to assign the unknown birds in the bush an X value (or 2X). Either way, I don't feel this statement can be an absolute. 

bird in hand = two birds in bush
or
 X=2X   

Naw, the only thing I see going in there is a big, fat zero for X. Nobody gets the bird, just hand.

"Always follow your dreams."

Again, not specific enough and full of potential problems. Always? That seems to be more often than necessary; how can you know in advance that you should follow a dream? People dream about a lot of stuff (perhaps you read my take on A Nightmare on Elm Street? Don't, I repeat, don't follow that one). 

If we're talking about a goal, well that's different. A goal is defined, and if you're wise you have a plan with steps that lead to attainment of your goal. Follow the steps that lead to your goals. You'll accomplish something.

Dreams are a little more fluffy...ill-defined. I dreamed I was a princess once; I even dreamed I could fly. In fact, if I told Hubzam that I thought I was a princess, he might respond, "In your dreams!" 

If I want to fly, I just set a goal and save money for a ticket. Yep, that sounds do-able and rational.

"Good things come to those who wait."

Two words: Death Row.

"That's the best thing since sliced bread."

Let's put this on a timeline: I say sliced bread appeared a few minutes after the first bread. 

A quick google tells me that Otto Frederick Rohwedder of Davenport, Iowa, invented an automated bread slicer in 1912. Granted, that was pretty cool. 

But the cliche doesn't mention automation, just slicing. If bread was present and someone had a knife and someone else wanted some, I think they'd figure out the process of slicing bread. Based on the absence of reliable information at my fingertips, I'm going to go with The History Channel's date of 30,000 years ago as the beginning of bread baking.  Ironwork was prevalent around 4000 BC; I'll bet they made knives. 

So, even if they had loaves of bread that were unsliced for 26,000 years and when they finally made knives, they celebrated the ingenuity of slicing the bread with wild abandon and festivals, are you telling me that nothing better has happened in 6014 years?

What about toaster strudel? Wasn't that great?

"Shoot the breeze..."

Nobody does that. It's a waste of ammo and pointless.

Every now and then, it's a good idea to step back and question things. 




24 comments:

  1. Your post got me thinking, which could be dangerous!! (My lawyer husband says that me thinking assumes a fact not in evidence.)

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    1. You must have a magnifying glass. A microscope (or, if desperate, a tape measure) will accomplish the same thing. BE CAREFUL, FISHDUCKY!!! It's only Monday.

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  2. Good morning, dear Cherdo!

    It's me, Shecky Shady, "the best thing since sliced bread."

    FACT: 4 out of 5 doctors recommend my jokes for what
    ails you, and if you don't get them immediately please
    remember - "Good things come to those who wait."

    I followed my dreams and they came to fruition.
    I became a street artist and now put on daily
    shows performing the nude scene from the
    musical Hair to the delight of the local gentry.
    Those pennies, nickels and dimes do add up!

    I appreciate what you wrote here about dreams. Dreams are of no practical use unless they are the inspiration behind a sound step by step plan. Too many young people forget that in their quest to achieve the lofty goal of becoming America's Next Top Model.

    Happy Monday, dear friend Cherdo!

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    1. LET THE SUNSHINE,
      LET THE SUNSHINE IN,
      THE SUUUUUUN SHINE INNNNN!

      A toast - to sliced bread! Or perhaps I should toast to cooked sliced bread...you get the picture.

      You really caused a stir at my house this morning. I ran around the room, frantically looking for coins. I've flipped couch cushions, emptied Mason jars, cracked piggy banks and dumped old purses in an attempt to find enough coinage to entice you to do the WHOLE MUSICAL, "HAIR."

      The only thing left for you to do is to post the address of the corner and I'll be there with as many peeps as I can get moving South.

      When the moon is in the seventh house
      The geezer squad will be moving South
      A Shady musical will be the prize
      I hope it doesn't blind our eyes!

      Keep practicing those moves and I'll get the old gang up and at 'em. Have a good day!

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    2. I didn't realize that you're a poet, in addition to your many other talents. Shady, what time is the show? I'll be there.

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    3. Actually, there are long lists of things I'm NOT. Add poet to that, please. Hopefully, Shady will do the show on a warm day. Let's sit together, Janie.

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  3. So true. We don't always stop and think about sayings! Remember when breadmakers were all the rage? That's when I learned the meaning of the term, "The best thing since sliced bread." Slicing freshly-baked bread into sandwich slices is hard to do! It made me appreciate the pre-sliced stuff you get at the store.

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    1. Funny story (I guess you'll be the judge of that...): When I totally mastered bread making, back when I still believed I could eat bread without exploding, my husband got me a breadmaker. At that point, I didn't need it, but what the hay - I tried it out. Over and over again, I tried it out. I hated bread machine bread; the crust was never right.

      I appreciate the store stuff because of the slice and the price, truth be told.

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  4. I think, follow your realistic dreams. Ever hear some of those people who sing on American idol-they sing worse than me! If their dream is to sing well they did and on national TV in front of millions and made fun of. So they got their dream but not quite how they imagined. Personally I'll just sing in my car off key and look like a freak to others who pass me

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    1. Good point, Birgit. I do cringe at some of those shows - and the fact that I think the producers want a flop on stage to offset the other acts. That is just cruel.

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  5. I didn't tell my kids to follow their dreams. I told them to follow their passions. Now they're both sex addicts.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. You can always give MORE advice...there is no "use by" date on mommy advice.

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    2. They've forgotten that I exist.

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    3. Advise them that they need to fix that...and I come from a mob town. You want I should whack 'em?

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    4. Just a little smack in the head to remind them they have a mommy.

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  6. "Good things come to those who wait."
    Two words: Death Row.

    ROFL!! You crack me up! Thanks for the laughs - great post. :)

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  7. CHERDO ~
    You reveal a lot of good sense in this post. (I assume you realize that ME telling you you're making sense to me is not a good sign for you.) Yeah, loved the Death Row response, and even the blog bit title was good and caught my eye in my Dashboard... which was a bit painful but I've since extracted it.

    Don't hire a naked emperor's tailor, either.

    I used to make up pithy little sayings sometimes but no one ever liked them... until the other day when I came up with "PeePee music" which seems to be popular and is catching on. (Even Chris Fries used it to describe Bette Midler's version of 'Under The Boardwalk' on the FarAwaySeries BOTB contest. I'm trying to decide if I should sue Chris for "sampling" my idea and passing it off on another blog as his own. Whaddaya think? Maybe I'll ask Chris for his advice since he seems to have given this sort of plagiarism problem a lot of thought.)

    Your comment at GgC's BOTB blog bit made me GOL (Guffaw-Out-Loud). DiscConnected added a comment there that was also humorous: "No force in the Universe... not enough Prozac."

    Speaking of 'HAIR' (which you were, just not with me), did you ever see the movie 'HAIR' starring Treat Williams? I like it so much that I even own the DVD. In fact, one of the very earliest 'Battle Of The Bands' contests FarAwayEyes, Arlee Bird, and I did (back when only we three were posting BOTBs) featured songs from 'HAIR', and FAE and I made it the Broadway musical soundtrack LP versions against the Hollywood movie soundtrack versions. I used 'Easy To Be Hard' and I think FAE used 'Aquarius'. Arlee Bird, naturally, went with some weird unknown versions that hardly anyone liked. (It wouldn't be BOTB if my friend Lee wasn't irritating everyone with strange, obscure songs by even stranger, more obscure singers and musicians, eh?)

    To close on a more serious note:

    Should we donate money to organizations claiming to seek a cure for cancer, knowing that they know that if they find a cure, they'd all be put out of work?

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. As an official "I'm-not-a-writer" writer, any pat on the back is just gravy for me. And I told ya - I loves me some D-FensDogg!

      You should never throw your witty sayings out without a copyright or trademark - the PeePee music label works for me on so many levels (like for every version of Feelings ever made, for example).

      Shazzbatt...I forgot what I said on GgC BOTB blog...it figures. GOL is my goal.

      Now, about HAIR - absolutely! I loved that musical and all the songs, and dern if you didn't mention "Easy to be Hard." I loved the movie version/scene AND (dare I say it?) Three Dog Night's cover. Ah, the days of Chuck Negron...where have they gone?

      Seriously, I would love to donate to an organization that was finding a cure for cancer if I felt that the dollars went that route...my fear is that the dollars go toward keeping the organization going 98.9999% of the time. If you could just point me in the direction of the press announcement of a cure that was facilitated by my dollars, I'd be so happy. Happy, happy, happy...

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  8. "Happy, happy, happy"?

    Do you wear a beard and camo too?

    Yeah, that 'Easy To Be Hard' scene in 'HAIR' is fantastic, and the performance of the song is like a raging flame in the snowy landscape. It's my favorite scene... well, that one, and of course the surprising twist in the final scene(s) really puts the exclamation point on the picture.

    Don't tell anyone this, but I have plans to use a 3 Dog Night song in a future BOTB post. Not sure when I'll get to it (sometime in 2015), as my list of potential BOTB song competitions is incredibly long and packed with great future contests. But 3DN is definitely one I'll use eventually.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    POSTSCRIPT:
    Besides, the precaution against and cure for cancer is already known, but the pharmaceutical companies can't trademark a medication for it and make trillions of dollars because it's natural and doesn't need to be concocted in a laboratory. So, meanwhile, they denigrate the natural remedy God gave us and let millions of people die an awful death until they can come up with something equally good in a test tube.

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    1. Actually...no. Camo is not my best look and who wants to be hard to find? I'm not sure I could force out the beard, but let me see...(sounds of straining and effort in background). Nope; can't do it.

      I don't think your postscript is all that ludicrous. :-)

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Thanks for your personal yada, yada, yada,
Love, Cherdo