Thursday, December 4, 2014

Muppet Fail: Have a Hairy Joe Holiday


Once again, we address the sad saga of the Muppets that didn't make the cut, the overlooked creations that were tossed aside with no regard to how felt...felt.

You may recall our old friend Hairy Joe, sidekick of Ásbjörn the Icelandic Foreign Exchange Student from the November edition of Muppet Fail:

"Hairy Joe never clicked with audiences. You either love  yellow demon eyes or you don't; it's a polarizing look. The twisted horns reminded people of...well, you know who. The look on his face never changed: yellow eyes, staring ahead, mouth gaping open...steam rising from his lips. Hairy Joe never met a comb. He had an odd smell, more like a real mountain goat than a felt covered prototype."

Never one to be easily dissuaded, Hairy Joe reappeared at the Muppet studios once more in December claiming to be Joe Henson, cousin of Jim - which didn't go over very well. Turns out, they're kinda of touchy about random use of the name Henson. Who knew? 

In the spirit of Christmas, Hairy Joe brought his "A" game by dressing as a stoic, but jolly (he claimed) character he called the Ram-elf. For a brief period of time, it looked as if there was some genuine interest in ole' Joe. When one of the Muppeteers tried to put their hand in the Ram-elf "muppet", a spontaneous burst of incontinence revealed that Hairy Joe was an actual animal. 

So close, and yet so far.

Defeated, Hairy Joe went back to his humble joebode and tried his hand at greeting cards. He's looking into getting fitted for blue contacts.




Another failed muppet was Wartburg, the Christmas Angel. With his green eyes and lumpy brown skin accompanied by a puzzling scent of rotted mulch, how could any child resist him? 

Wartburg's backstory was that he represented things that children saw outdoors in nature that might be frightening, like a big bumpy toad. With his big toady smile and stellar manners, he would win the children's trust and become a household name. Kermit was yesterday's news. The potential for educational opportunities looked  endless. The creators truly thought this would have a calming and comforting effect for children.

During the character pitch, one of the creator's (nicknamed The Moron by co-workers) happened to say, "...and you don't have to be afraid of Wartburg, he's already dead."

If only they could have foreseen the reaction of children when confronted by a dead toad muppet. I mean, really, who saw that one coming?


I plan on purchasing Hairy Joe Christmas cards. Support small business, buy local, yada, yada, yada.

16 comments:

  1. I think I'm glad that my imagination isn't as good as your fantasies, uh, I mean your imagination.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Oh, but yours is...it is...

      Monday is the Day!!! Our announcement!

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  2. Cool. I never considered the thought of failed Muppets. They need recognition.

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    1. That's what I think, Medeia. I'm trying to do my part and I am hoping Hairy Joe can make the cover art of one of your books. He could be someone's romantic interest. You'd write an excellent backstory....

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  3. Good morning, dear Cherdo!

    Shady Del Knight here... the REM-elf of blogging!
    (REM because most of my jokes are a snooze.) (Like that one.)

    (Too many parentheses?) {Should I be using brackets instead?}

    As you know I already pointed out the striking similarities between Hairy Joe and one of our mutual blog friends who shall remain nameless. (Yellow demon eyes, horny, mouth gaping, steam rising from lips...) I happen to like those qualities in a person and I'm here today to tell you that I for one would have purchased Hairy Joe (or Hairy Josephine if they made one). I also happen to like smelly dead things and for that reason I would also have added Wartburg to my Muppet menagerie. I once created a Muppet character called Siegfried. He wore a military uniform and helmet. When you pulled his string he delivered a painful electric shock and kicked you with his iron boot. When I pitched the doll to toy companies, they pitched it in the trash. Go figure!

    Happy Thursday, dear friend Cherdo!

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    1. See what I mean? All those perfectly good Muppets pitched their schtick, only to be tossed aside. It's criminal, I tell you. They wouldn't have treated Robert Redford that way.

      All artists are equal. Some are bone-crunchingly poor - but equal.

      Always a pleasure, dear SDK///It's another da do run, run day around here and I am off! Time me....

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  4. There is Olga, the doll that instantly goosesteps when she hears Russian music and she comes with her own Stalin portrait.. I would like Hairy Joe-poor thing with the eyes...just misunderstood

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    1. That's right, Birgit. No one will give him his big break.

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  5. Oh, but Wartburg is so cute! What child wouldn't like him? Oy!

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    1. I know, right? Can't you just see the marketing folks jumping on board with bedspreads and stuffed Wartburgs?

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  6. Failed muppets. That's very creative and imaginative of you. But uhm, I don't like the wartburg because I'm scared reptiles.

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    1. See? That is why he is a FAILED Muppet instead of the new Kermit. :-)

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  7. 'it's a polarizing look' made me crack up. Girl, you have got some voice! :)

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    1. Ha ha ha....it's not necessarily a GOOD voice.... (Obviously, I'm not a writer).

      Good to hear from you Suze!!

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  8. I love Muppets! I'm not sure about Hairy Joe and Wartburg though. Perhaps some characters are best left to the imagination. ;)

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    1. Oh - and I love the new blog look. Very Christmassy and cheerful!

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Thanks for your personal yada, yada, yada,
Love, Cherdo