It's time to address a few more musical questions; in fact, it might be well past time.
I'll give it my best shot.
Don't...Don't you want me?
Don't You Want Me
The Human League
Truth be told, I don't even know you on a personal level. Not really.
I once had a ticket to your show in a teeny, weeny club in Youngstown, Ohio, long after your hey-day and you bailed. Your career wasn't big enough to do the last-minute bailout. We were already at the club. That is a bailout that is reserved for big names, like Elton having a hissy fit...or Bono breaking his moneymaker strumming arm. Not Human League, lest the point is lost on you.
So...no, I don't want you NOW. We're both over the hill NOW.
How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
Blowing in the Wind
Zero roads, my friend. The aerobic activity has no bearing whatsoever on what people will call you. If you're walking with hand weights, you may be in the game, but I can't guarantee anything. You might have to break down and purchase a "I AM A MAN" t-shirt.
Which brings up another issue: If you're wearing traditional female clothing, it's going to be a crap shoot trying to guess how many roads you'll have to walk down before they call you a man. I'm open minded, but this doesn't seem practical in light of the goal of being called "a man." Stay away from florals or horizontal stripes, regardless.
[Spoiler alert: there's no answer floating along on the breeze. You're just a guy walking down the road, wondering who he is. Don't start talking to moving air. It's pointless.]
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?
Wouldn't It Be Nice
The Beach Boys
Well, I need more information before I answer. Older than what?
Older than eighteen years old? Yes, definitely. Ditto for twenty-one.
It gets a little sketchy after that and prone to personal preferences.
Would it be nice to be over thirty? Well, it's not terrible. You have youth and a general idea of what you want to do with your time.
How 'bout over forty? Fifty? Sixty? Seventy? See, there's where the age-ism comes out.
Ha! Jokes on you, haters - we are old but totally in touch with our checkbooks, real estate, holiday menus, and blood pressure meds.
If I were a carpenter and you were a lady,
Would you marry me anyway?
Would you have my baby?
If I Were a Carpenter
Johnny Cash & June Carter Cash
Hey, I have no problem with dating a skilled tradesman. But before we procreate, tell me this: has the work been steady? You know the construction trades are up and down. I've got to think about that imaginary future baby, buddy.
All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
Hmmm...let's see: dating sites, celebrity fan clubs, fast food job fairs, hyperhidrosis support groups, the Julie Newmar autograph line at Comic Con, grocery store at 4 a.m., Saturday night at the dollar flick...yeah, that covers it.
If you have a pressing musical question that you'd like to see in the next installment, tell me about it in the comments. I aim to please.