Thursday, July 2, 2015

Clean Thoughts: Confessions of a Shower Genius


This could be a daily post, if only I'd do it immediately after I showered. 

Shower brilliance works much like dreaming. When you are actively engaged in showering or dreaming, the ideas that come to you are clear, logical and fleshed out. Endorphins, those endogenous opioid neuropeptides, flood your system and you feel the euphoria that only comes with the knowledge that you possess an idea that will make you rich and famous. Or perhaps you get a small idea that excites you; like finally thinking of a scenario where you might slide the words "endogenous opioid neuropeptides" into a conversation. We've all been there. 

Everything is a good idea in the shower and everyone is a total genius. 


Then there are the questions that come up that you never consider when dry:

  • When I'm feeding the cows, I notice that they are plagued with those terrible biting flies. Not one of those flies ever lands on me. Why in the heck is a fly turning up its metaphorical nose at me? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??? They land on cow patties...but not me. I think I'll shower longer.
  • On the other hand, mosquitoes love me. They can be happily floating on rancid funk-water that's pooling under the garden hose, when one of them says to the other ones, "You know what would be better? Biting Cherdo, that's what."
  • I wonder if the mosquitoes ever gossip and talk to the flies. I suspect the flies have nothing good to say about me. At least that is the impression I get.

Just add water and I begin to think that I'm a dang good singer. Humming turns to a chorus or two of a favorite tune. Why stop? I'll tell you why. Because I always run out of hot water before we get to the big ending of Les Miserables.  It's still lukewarm at "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables," but by the finale I'm freezing and trying not to insert "woooooo-weeeeee" inappropriately.
  • Occasionally, I think I can rap; and in the shower - I'm right.
  • Toweling off produces tone-deafness and apathy about about my musical stage career.

Important mysteries have to be solved in the shower, so it's good that I'm in my waterlogged genius state. Scrubbing and singing, I realized I was using a well-known soap that will cause red welts somewhere on my body, usually the most inconvenient and uncomfortable place. Who was in the shower last? Why did they put this in here? Do I have Benadryl? Maybe I'll just rinse really, really well...way past the finale...no matter the water temperature...  If those guys cared about me at all, they'd know I can't use this soap. How selfish of them! Do I treat them that way - no! I'm always thinking of them. This is outrageously inconsiderate. I can't believe that...oh, hey, there's another bar of soap in here. Cool.

I make general statements out loud while showering, like "Weird Al is a genius" and "Salted caramel and Whiteout would both be the bomb as a shampoo scent." Then I look around the shower as if I am afraid there's someone with me who will shower-bully me over my bold choices. I have a Peerless shower head; you'd think that would put me at ease.

If I could get a demand water heater, I could rule the world.

28 comments:

  1. I could live in the shower. But then there is that running out of hot water thing. I'd get a tankless infinite hot water heater but I don't think I could afford the gas bill.

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  2. Meanwhile, I can't do any of that, because I'm 99% sure my bathroom is haunted. Nearly every time I shower, I hear things moving around, even if I'm home alone. I even set my phone to record sounds and it did, which couldn't be explained.

    Tonight specifically, I was in the shower and realized I left my new soap in the cabinet. I stepped out and went to the cabinet but I couldn't find it anywhere. "What the actual fuck? Where did my soap go?" I demanded, but the A/C kicked on and I was blasted with cold air so I rushed back to the shower. "Fuck. I'll use face soap? That kills germs right?" I scrubbed up and heard the moving around in the cabinets. By now I'm so used to it that I just ignore it unless it sounds like it's getting closer to me. When I got out of the shower again, I went looking for the soap so I could put it in the shower. It was right where I had left it when I bought it a few days ago. The bathroom door sticks so there's no way anyone could have come in without me hearing the door.

    I can't rule the world from my shower because the ghosts won't leave me alone.

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  3. Like Rachel, my house is haunted... by the dime (and now quarter) fairy. Guess pennies from heaven met inflation.
    I used to sing in the shower, now I just say 'show me the money'.

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  4. Shower time is magical time! The one place where one can pamper herself. Limited hot water is the pits!

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  5. So tell me, do you get to the crashing bars of 'Stars' before or after you shave your legs? "And so it must BE!! (Yeowtch! Dang!) And so it is WRITTEN! (Ack!) On the DOORway to (I'm in the SHOWER! Turn off that faucet, nitwit!) Time to shower...

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  6. I'm so with you on this! I do all my best thinking in the shower, including plots for world domination through blogging.

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    Replies
    1. When you ascend to your throne, remember you old pal, Cherdo.

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  7. Here we have flies in the day and mosquitoes at night. Ugh! For some reason I'm like a cat in the shower - I hate the water and can't wait to get out. On the other hand, I have amazing revelations when I'm washing dishes or had-washing clothes - suddenly plot points and fixes bubble up in my brain - so water is definitely a source of inspiration! Love the post, as always, Cherdo!

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    1. Water is still the catalyst; you're just hand-specific. Just read Soul-cutter! Keep washing those dishes - it's really working for ya! Loved the book.

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  8. Good morning, dear Cherdo!

    It is I/me, Shady Del Knight, the cow patty of blogging (floating on rancid funk-water), the endogenous opioid neuropeptide that snarks your day with a smile.

    I can relate. Just last night in the shower I sang a medley of Sid Vicious' greatest love ballads which included "Feelings." I wish you could have been there to hear it!

    It's true. We seem to get all of our best ideas in the shower (or on the toilet). My ideas actually are brilliant, (for realzies), but by the time I get out of the bathroom and back over to the office to write the ideas down, I have forgotten most of them. The only sensible solution is to somehow jam my desk and computer into the shower stall so that I can type while the water's coming down on my head. (I came up with that idea in the shower.)

    I gotta run, dear friend Cherdo. It's another travel day for me. Have an excellent day and I'll see you tomorrow!

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    1. Dear I/Me...oh, how I would love to hear your rendition of the Vicious one's hits, but I'm sure it's a one seater. I don't like to crowd people. Personal space and all that... It's bad enough already that you can't fit your desk in there. I can't imagine what I would do if I had to shower without a desk. It's not civilized.

      "Feelings! Wo-oh-oh...in the UK! "Feelings!...wo-oh-oh...anarchy! God save the Queen!" It's a medley, but heartfelt like only Sid can deliver, delivered by someone else. I hope you recorded it.

      Get going, get there, get safe and get 'er done! Take care and see ya soon, Shady.

      Delete
    2. I prefer Ron and Nancy. And don't forget - "Just say no."

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  9. Weird Al is a genius though.
    And at my house, I'm pretty sure the mosquitoes wait outside my door for me.

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    Replies
    1. It's true...he is a genius.

      The mosquitoes must think you're sweet.

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  10. >>... Endorphins, those endogenous opioid neuropeptides, flood your system

    And you wonder why I call you "Doc", Cherdo?

    >>... "Salted caramel and Whiteout would both be the bomb as a shampoo scent."

    I don't know about that, but I can tell you that Whiteout makes a great mix for gin. Add a couple olives and you're seriously in business.

    >>... I have a Peerless shower head; you'd think that would put me at ease.

    Ha!-Ha! And do you also use Matchless Metal Polish Company products?

    I didn't know that showering could induce such lofty thinking. I may have to try it sometime. I don't bathe a lot. Usually just go singin' in the rain, but I never come away with any great thoughts. Commonly just a cold.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Do you wear soap-on-a-rope as a necklace when you sing in the rain? If you do, you're good. No worries. Abandon that shower for good.

      Wait a minute...don't you live in a dessert-like community now? We may have to re-think this whole plan. You have a reputation in the community that must be maintained or else you can't pursue your political dreams.

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    2. >>... Wait a minute...don't you live in a dessert-like community now?

      Yes, you're right! Silly me to get all hot-under-the-collar when I live in such a sweet, sugary and "dessert-like community".

      [Trust me, like Ron & Nancy, I feel your pain!]

      As I'm sure you know, my constituency would be primarily un-bathed and more highly informed than the average political boob anyway. (Was "boob" OK in this context? [For the record, I like them in ANY context.])

      How you like that ([]) configuration? I thought it was pretty "D"-List myself. Uh... well, I don't mean "D-List" like THAT! ...And even if I did... what're gonna do 'bout it?

      Oh, my gosh! Aren't you sorry you ever encouraged me on yer blog?! I realize I'm incorrigible, and I honestly try to "do better" but... But... BUTT... hellck!

      Sorry...
      "My next one [comment] will be better".
      ~ Ed Wood, Jr.


      ~ D-FensDogG

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  11. You need a waterproof notebook (like I keep on me when kayaking or sailing) and record those thoughts!

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    Replies
    1. Excellent idea! Say...are you in the shower NOW?

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  12. No amount of shower water can convince me that I'm a good singer.

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  13. That is the best thing about cow patties, the bugs go for them over me

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  14. I used to get great Sunday School inspirations in the shower. Usually on Saturday night after spending a week prepping a different lesson. That's how you knew who was really doing the teaching.

    I'm pretty good at shower praying, too. But the water can't do a thing for the high notes I can no longer hit.

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  15. I don't think in the shower, other than, Am I sure my vagina is clean? You can delete that if you like. My house has these Dutch shower heads and faucets and everything that are supposed to be da bomb. I never notice anything special about them, and I've been here almost five years. I do like the garbage disposal, which is turned on with a button in the counter next to the sink. Press it again and it goes off. It's different. I guess that's why I like it.

    Love,
    Janie

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  16. I think I sound like Julie Andrews when I am in the shower only to realize later that I actually sound like Ethel Swartz who is deaf. Mosquitoes generally don't like the taste of me and I am glad about that. My hubby, on the other hand, is so loved by them that he had over 50 bites on one foot alone and they welted up. The other foot had over 30 and that was just between his sandal openings. He needed cortizone cream and benedryl. I never saw anything like it. Now horse flies seem to like me...maybe they think i am a horse

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  17. I know many writers who swear by the muse predilection to shower visits. Mine likes to come when I drive. I'll now think of myself as a stirring wheel genius, per your post's title.

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  18. My house has been overruled by Mosquitoes! I literally wake up to a new bite every single day. I have one in each room that have a buffet the second I sit down.
    I am a rockstar in the shower!! Todd laughs because I change songs and it could go from country to rock within split seconds.

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Thanks for your personal yada, yada, yada,
Love, Cherdo