"You'll just be able to think of something and your friends will
immediately be able to experience it too if you'd like...
This would be the ultimate communication technology."
Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook Founder and CEO (CNN Money)
Stop right there, Zuckerberg. You've caused enough problems for me already. Don't think for one minute that you're getting in my head. I'll go full on Jack Nicholson on you, Zuckerberg. Baby, you can't handle the truth.
I'd like to make a few points:
- A friend says her great Uncle Joe-Bob has been in a terrible weed wacker accident and needs prayer. Note the fifty so-called friends who have hit the "LIKE" button. What's to like about that, people? If you hit that button, I can only surmise that you had a deep rooted dislike of Uncle Joe-Bob or that weed wacker. A close second might be that you really like to pray, and that's great - don't get me wrong. Either way you look at it, "LIKE" just doesn't cut it.
- That "LIKE" button is the stupidest thing on the planet. Hire me for a few months and I'd fix that thing once and for all. "LIKE" is not a one size fits all remark. Fire the dude that thought of it. I saw The Social Network - was it Timberlake? It seems so Timberlake.
- So, you're able to create a whole social network that services 1.4 billion people (and I'm sure that number is incorrect, because ten minutes have passed and more lemmings logged on). You can't add an alternate button choice? How about a simple "DULY NOTED" button? It send the right message; I see what you wrote and I noted it. I'm not for or against it and I haven't ignored it, so don't post some thinly veiled statement or meme about how you wonder if anyone really pays attention to your posts. It was duly noted. Note the noting.
- You forced me to use Messenger. Mrs. Zuckerberg (the senior one) surely mentioned that it's bad manners to force anyone to do anything. And you also want me to invite my friends to do the thing I didn't want to do - but did.
- This new thing you invented doesn't make anyone more social. It makes them less social. Facebook is not a choice, it's a swap for a lot of people. The constantly flood of information feels like uninvited company. Even though you have access to all the old friends you cared about, you also get saddled with the fringe people you didn't care about. Look - there's the chick who blatantly tried to steal my high school boyfriend and she's telling me "happy birthday." Oh, yay - a friend request from a guy who had the nickname of The Flatulator" in ninth grade...I haven't seen, heard nor spoke to him since. Yep...that's a real friend. Facebook, you promise filet mignon and then fling TVP at me. For shame.
- People who never spoke to me or later stop speaking to me will be forever ticked off if I unfriend them. I don't get that! There was nothing magical about "friending" someone in the first place.
- Even with my hesitancy to add anyone but close friends, I've been cornered and failed 466 times. The line between all the friend levels is too vague and I blame you, Facebook, for forcing my hand.
- Privacy? Bwahahahahaha...
- Terms of service? Try to hit that moving target. You change them while I'm reading them so by the time I get to the end of the paragraph, I still don't know what the current terms of service might be.
- Bait and switch? Bingo - you're great at that.
- Farmville, man; Farmville! Isn't it enough that I kill real plants? I've crushed candies, treasure hunted and played a month's worth of bad Scrabble with kingdude7833129...I done my time. And XI is a word.
So...now you want to facilitate messaging between brains? Why? Does that mean that if an insane person wants to share his philosophy, I'll have to have those nutso thoughts in my head?
How are you planning to keep politicians out of my head? Seriously, I'm having a hard time doing that myself right now and I'm not even using your future product, Brainbook. Dang it, voting will be ridiculous...how will anyone know if my Brainbook is on or off. Someone is going to ask me to leave my brain 50 feet back from the voting booth. That won't be good (though it's been done).
One of the greatest things about humans is that they don't know what everyone is thinking. The stupid newsfeed of Facebook is almost ruining that, too. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and if they value it, they should keep it locked up or someone else might pound it to death.
I don't even go in my head. It's scary in there. Now you want access? Tough zuck; no deal.